Roots, Emotions, Anger
Growing up, it felt like good always beat evil. It got hard, it got difficult, but the truth always shone above all.
These days, I find myself having what I can only describe as flashes of grief, anger, sadness, pride, and confusion. Usually in a combination of two or three, sometimes all in one.
Thinking about Lebanon is difficult. To me, home represented beauty and love. It represented a deeper meaning for life. It most importantly was a living example of the battle between good and evil.
But lately it’s been different. Israel bombs us every day. People die. We’re living in a critical transitional phase that seems existential. My home is still rubble. We’re not allowed to rebuild. We lost so much. The beach remains. Fairuz still paints our mornings. The sunsets are still magical. We’re still here.
But it’s all just mixed together. Some happiness rolled into a sandwich of grief, placed in an oven of feelings that’s already overheating.
Every beautiful sunset now makes me sad. Every calming song puts me in tears.
Every gorgeous landscape reminds me of ruins.
Every new birth reminds me of death.
It just feels that the world really really sucks, is complicit, and at the mercy of an evil terrorist scum of a fake state. All the while the sponsor of this state, the so called land of the free, deports people who protest murdering babies. And this disappointment and hopelessness somehow breads anger that transforms into willpower and resilience. Every. Fucking. Day.
Grief. Hopelessness. Anger. Steadfastness. Hope. In that order. Every. Fucking. Day.
The hard truth is this: Being happy hurts.
Enjoying life’s moments comes with so much pain these days. I’m a privileged immigrant getting to enjoy food, shelter, entertainment, love, and more. And besides being killed, children back home have been robbed the simple act of dreaming. All they are left with is deep deep trauma.
I want my life’s purpose to one day coalesce into keeping these dreams alive. I just want kids in Lebanon and Gaza to play outside, nerd about their little interests, experience AWE, experience a level of passion that makes the heart flutter, and BELIEVE their crazy dreams can be achieved.
I hope it can happen.
